This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
