I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize