What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
