Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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