just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
