But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
