remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
