I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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