dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
