I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
