She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
