Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
