Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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