i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize