even my farts smell like vagina
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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