Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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