Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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