I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
