im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
