I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
