Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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