Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
