So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Are we still banned from the library?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So here I am, sexting at work.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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