I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
