I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
