So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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