Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
