Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
