Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
