You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
