You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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