Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
