Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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