Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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