Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
