Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
