3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
