so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
