I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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