Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
sarcasm needs its own font
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
