Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need to calm my uterus...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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