my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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