oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
