Ketchup is God's man juice
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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