You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
tell me about the eggs
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
