im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
