This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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