Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
