You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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