everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She needs sedatives and a leash
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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