Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I will pee on everything he values.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize