So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
