You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
