I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
