He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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