Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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