You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
