His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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