Apparently you make a good broom.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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