sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
