my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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