Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Drunk is a universal language darling
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
