I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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