I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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