I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
