yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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