Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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