Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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