I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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