im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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